Mother’s Day is just around the corner. A day to celebrate the strength and love of all the moms and mom figures in our life. A day that is truly special for many. But what about for those that have lost their mother? Those estranged from their mothers? Those longing to be a mother? And those, like me, who’s journey into motherhood hasn’t been like what they had hoped or dreamed of. For us, this day can stir up a wide range of emotions and be extremely difficult.
Last year was my first Mother’s Day with Madison, and it was a complete disaster. We had planned to have our whole family over for a quaint moms day bbq, but when I woke up that Sunday and started getting ready, I looked over at Madison and had a complete breakdown. It was totally unexpected. I didn’t expect to feel so sad on this day. I had matching shirts for us all ready to go, and instead I found myself balling my eyes out. It had hit me just how crazy my journey into motherhood was. I hadn’t done one mom thing with the little girl I had been waiting for my whole life. Not one. Instead I felt more like her nurse on most days. And it crushed me.
When I was pregnant with Madison I had so many dreams in my head of all the things we would do together, and here we were, almost a year into our journey, and we hadn’t done one. While my other new mom friends posted pictures with their smiling babies, hearing the word mama for the first time, I was hit with the realization that Madison might never utter that word. My phone was full of videos of her having seizures, not hitting milestones. And it was a hard blow. We cancelled the family bbq and I held Madison and cried. Cried for everything she had gone through in her short life, for everything I had gone through, and for everything we would continue to go through together in the years to come.
I was hoping this year would be a bit more special, but after experiencing multiple miscarriages in just 7 months, my feelings on motherhood are still pretty somber. The idea of growing our family gave John and I a newfound sense of hope, but yet again we have been left completely heartbroken and devastated. The past 2 years have been filled with constant trauma and sadness and it’s getting hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When will it be our family’s turn for happiness? I can only hope soon.
This year we’ll be heading to OBX for a mini vacation on Mother’s Day and I’m hoping the trip will serve as a nice distraction. We didn’t exactly plan to be away for Mother’s Day, I actually didn’t realize the date when we booked our trip, but after so much loss, time away with just my family couldn’t come at a better time. Even the dog will be joining us! I’m hoping some rest and relaxation on the beach will bring me the comfort and rest I need for Mother’s Day.
Madison’s health is still not where we’d like it to be, but overall she is doing so much better than last year. She’s more alert and vocal & I hope that spending the day with the ones that mean most to me, the ones that made me a mama, will bring me a sense of peace and joy this year. Because even though our days are hard, I do love being Madison’s mama. She is an incredible gift and miracle. And even though there are plenty of days that I feel like giving up, I do know that there is no one else that could be a better mom to her. She was made for me. There’s no doubt about that. I love her more than I could ever love anyone and I feel so special that I get to spend all my days with her.
Through my journey I’ve met so many other incredibly strong special needs mamas, who have children with needs less than Madison, equal to Madison, and far greater than Madison. We all have our bad days. We all wish life was better to our babies. We all feel sad for our children and for ourselves. But I will tell you this, I have never met a group of women who love their babies more than these girls. Women who inspire me even on their worst days, even when they don’t think they’re being inspiring.
In all honesty I’m pretty damn proud of all the moms I know. Being a mom is without a doubt the hardest job on the planet, and that goes for a mom in any situation. So please don’t think I’m trying to take anything away from the moms who are lucky enough to have more of a “normal” journey. Because motherhood is hard no matter what hand your dealt. But this Mother’s Day remember to think about those who’s journey is a bit different. Remember those women who would give anything to be on this journey, no matter how hard, who have been trying to become a mom for months or years. Mothers that have lost their babies, and may not even be seen as moms to the public eye, even though in my opinion, they are. Remember those who have lost their mothers, or are estranged from their mothers and are facing life or raising their own families without their own mother’s guidance. And moms like me, who’s journey has been a constant battle of survival.
Mother’s Day truly is a special day, because let’s face it, moms deserve to be honored everyday. But it can also be a hard day for many. I hope one day I can be one of those moms who is truly happy with their situation, who has made peace with the hard stuff, and found a way to be joyful in all circumstances. I’m just not there yet. But I have hope that I will be. I have hope that there will come a Mother’s Day when I won’t feel sad, or both sad and happy, but just happy. I can’t wait for that time to come.
Last year was not my year, and I’m not sure this year will be either, but I know how lucky I am to be on this journey at all. I’m lucky my daughter survived, and I’m lucky to have a husband who is so supportive and loving. I’m lucky to have my mom’s help, and the support of so many mom friends near and far who help bring me up when I’m feeling down. So Happy almost Mother’s Day to all of the badass moms, grandmas, aunts, step moms, foster moms, care takers, moms to be, & mom figures out there! You are all hard working, strong, and beautiful. And to all of those who might not be feeling that way this Mother’s Day, to those that feel sad or lost, remember, you are brave & you are not alone. ❤️
“Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.”